hold on and let go (2)

POSTCARD#332: Bangkok: Waking up from a dream on the outskirts of reality, strange doorways, crooked pathways seen in the flickering yellow of a street lamp, and there’s the headache that’s always with me. Recognition of this breaks through everything, as does a piercing shaft of light in a darkened room. I see the headache that hasn’t become anything yet, and allow it to ‘become’ without becoming it. A headache without a ‘self’, a subject without an object; this is not happening to me, there’s no ‘me’ to whom this headache is happening… I insist, refuse to be the headache-ee. It seems to me to make good sense then, that the normal holding-on to everything is not as important as the letting-go of it all.

Elbow props up the body, legs unfold and feet placed on the cold floor. Settle down, awareness of the in-breath/out-breath, and a curious feeling in the air; an atmosphere that’s suddenly different from what it usually is. The cool season, our tiny little winter, and in January, you may have a day when it’s necessary to wear a jacket.

Reach for the meds; two capsules and a gulp of water… everything swept away in speculation of what it might be, or could have been, in the stream of mental chatter, commentary blinkered, dysfunctional; endlessly recreating the world according to the mind’s perception of it, filtering out anything that doesn’t fit.

Supporting elbow removed and body falls back into the warm place where it was, legs follow, feet tucked in. No end, no beginning, leaving everything in the ‘now’, the continuous form of present tense – it never started so it cannot stop – it cannot leave because it never came [Mooji]. No past and no future except for the necessary getting-of-things-in-the-right-order in linear time.

Prompted in a certain way, Mind makes up the reason for things being the way they are; reasons for this, reasons for that, reasons why certain things are done according to some unwritten rule we comply with, and other things not done, as defined by Mind, but when looked for, are nowhere to be found. Dispersed, dissolved as soon as we of think it, and everything comes to a standstill… a sudden lack of things to think about, or an absence of things I think I should be thinking about. No words, no nothing, emptiness, vanishing trick, one two three, gone.

“…your real nature is not-knowing. It is a total absence of all that you think you are, which is all that you are not. In this total absence of what you are not, there is presence. But this presence is not yours. It is the presence of all living beings. You must not try to be open. You are open.” [Jean Klein]

Note: reflections on an earlier post. Art by Jill Lewis

12 thoughts on “hold on and let go (2)

  1. Hi T, I was so glad to read this was a reflection on an earlier post. I hope the headache is gone or at least feels more manageable these days. I’m so sorry we never got to your side of the world as we’d hoped. Treatment does seem to be working here, thankfully.

  2. Hi Tiramit, Thank you for sharing this stream of consciousness about consciousness and the alterations in consciousness that take place under pain, but also whenever we observe what we think can be observed about observing … I hope the pain abated some (I know these kinds of pain rarely fully go away, but the ebb and flow may make some days–or hours, or minutes–easier than others). Sending good thoughts your way, on a day when we do need jackets in NYC and when I miss the summer, and now also, Thailand. Na’ama

    • Thanks Na’ama, the headache does ebb and flow and you’re right, there are some mornings when I forget that it’s there. Thanks for your good thoughts on a chilly day in NYC.

  3. … and breathe. Fully. Filling your lungs and breathing in fresh nutrients and Prana. Shifting the energy that is stuck. Use the breathe to connect mind and body, and move it throughout the body.
    May you find balance T. 💛
    Ease may await at the other side 🙏

  4. Is that your painting???? It is totally and absolutely beautiful!!! Forgive me for not saying this earlier. Somehow I read the prose but missed the painting. I sent you an email that will explain why. I am really, really loving it. Stupendous work!! Bravo!! Ellen

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