POSTCARD#338: Chiang Mai: Now three months since the event in November of last year, and the recovery from that blow to the centre of the chest, delivered like a heavyweight boxer’s punch – devastating. This is what it felt like. What happened was, around 9pm I was going through the crowds on Nimanheman Road with my Thai niece M, in the almost daylight brightness of studio lights suitable for taking selfies out on the street I suppose. Flashing illuminations distracted me and I stumbled on something in the darkness of a shadowy stretch of unsurfaced sidewalk, lost my balance and fell forward like a tree is felled in the forest. Broke a rib somehow, but the main thing was, I did something to the sternum, (the sternum is that vertical bone in the centre of the chest). This bone took the impact of the fall – I fell diagonally on a concrete step, hands held out to break the fall, but as the floor comes rushing up to meet me, it’s the step that takes the weight BANG!
I’m face-down on the step – small Asian hands reach out to help me get up. M leans forward and says in my ear, “Toong Ting, do you want me to call an ambulance?” I tell her I’m okay, (so practical, M is. She is 14 now and dyed her hair canary yellow, but that’s another story). Also thank you and smiling to all these kind people (note: real concern, anxious faces), more hands held out to help me get back to where I once belonged… the realm of all upright, upstanding, decent, and respectable persons.
What does this look like? Old guy with wispy white beard sinks down in the crowd, has a stroke or something? Falls on the rough un-surfaced sidewalk. No, no, I’m okay, just tripped, slipped, tumbled, stumbled, fumbled? I’ll be allright, thanks for your help, it’s okay – I’m getting some of their anxiety. Best stand up, no matter how inviting that unsurfaced sidewalk looks like a nice place to lie down and get comfortable. No, no, and I start moving around, to reassure everyone that this old guy escaped the clutches of gravity once again.
We made it back to the apartment without me feeling any pain, but next day the agony in the chest was something to behold. The breath-taking scale of it… just turning over in bed would throw me into a trauma of panic, difficult to find the way out of. Ordinary things, like getting up from the sitting position were so overwhelming I’d stay seated for most part of the day.
Meditation was/is a necessity, I had to develop skills fast for this 24 hour, no-choice pain situation. Almost always at night, when sleep would find me seeking a position or a place somewhere, somehow, something bearing the characteristics of rest, and following the pathways leading to a comfortable place to be in, to inhabit for a few hours and the easefulness of that, but not to dwindle there or linger too long, lest it becomes something impossible to extricate myself from – all these tugs and pulls that mindfulness uses to remind us where the Path leads.
Then as far as possible, a quiet investigation into the pain, and the reaction to it, again and again. Contemplation over the breath-taking scale of it; what to do? not much more than that, but by the end of January, I came out of it with a greater awareness of this part of the body… in the East it’s the Chit, the heart, the mind. The idea that identity was situated in the Brain didn’t make sense at all
What’s happening to me? Examining the X-ray of the broken rib I could see all the other broken ribs fused together any old way (this is how they mend themselves), bits sticking up where there shouldn’t be, and seen so clearly because they’re all on the same side of the body. Four broken ribs which occurred separately are all on the left side?
What kind of karma could this be; the ribs, the blow to the center of the chest, and the long surgical scar in the abdomen where a Thai surgeon removed two cancer tumors in the colon more than twenty years ago, and lastly, my Post Herpetic Neuralgia in the right occipital nerve, feels like a blow to the head, never gets better, a permanent headache. It’s all just so intrusive, so violent, how can this be? As far as personalities go, I’d say and others would agree, I’m not a violent person! Doesn’t make sense, karma like this is surely irredeemable!
Ajahn Vajiro was passing through town the other day so we met him at the airport and I asked him about these traumatic circumstances, and what to make of this strange karmic outcome? He shook his head saying, never mind about that, get back to the one who knows. In Thai it’s poo roo (poo: person, roo(v): to know.
Examples: poo ying: lady, poo chai: man.
You could say poo roo is the higher self, except that it’s a personification, which brings us back to the subject/object divide. What was meaningful for me was how Ajahn began articulate the blessings the Four Brahma-Viharas, while explaining the quality and meaning of the words:
1) Goodwill / Metta, Loving kindness.
2) Karuna / Compassion, is what goodwill feels when it encounters suffering: it wants the suffering to stop.
3) Mudita / Empathetic joy), what goodwill feels when it encounters happiness.
4) Upekkha / Equanimity)
The acoustics of Ajahn Vajiro’s words still remain in present time, everything about who I am, disappears for an instant and there’s only awareness. I experience this awareness physically, in the centre of the chest, spreading out to the shoulders. In Pali it’s citta, the heart. Felt exactly in the same place where the huge punch in the chest happened… curious and strange, best left alone, unsaid, unexamined, and questions unanswered do not create the subject/object divide. Thought and language are the apps, while awareness is the operating system. It comes before anything else, here in the centre of my being.
Awareness precedes thought. As soon as I think about it, the whole thing becomes duality, subject/object. This time, I’m inclined to take it further, and that awareness (object) is ‘me’ (subject), ‘self’. This ‘self’ says it’s ‘my’ awareness, ‘I’ am the subject of awareness. But when this ‘self’ that I believe to be ‘me’, starts to look for the ‘me’ that possesses awareness, it finds that it’s the other way round: awareness has to first start looking for the ‘me’ (and the ‘me’ can’t be found).
There are many ways that this metaphor can be constructed. Please let me know how it looks in the comment box.
Hi, I am so sorry for all the pain you’ve been going through. Sending metta from Cambodia.
Hi Sadiewolf in Cambodia for thinking of me and your wishes of loving kindness. I am very much better now, hope you are well too
Awareness and thought and me seem simultaneous, somehow.
It is the “I” that seems the field correspondent, the outlier.
Me and Thought and Awareness encounter “I”, and sometimes find him to foreign to relate to.
There is a language barrier.
“We” move on.
Here’s a quote that seems relevant right now:
“As you watch your mind, you discover your self as the watcher. When you stand motionless, only watching, you discover your self as the light behind the watcher. The source of light is dark, unknown is the source of knowledge. That source alone is. Go back to that source and abide there.” [Nisargadatta Maharaj]
Sorry for the typo.
That should read “and sometimes find him too foreign to relate to.”
It looks beautiful and unfolding like the breath does, I think. Having sustained a rather big blow to the heart in November myself, I see now why you came to mind so often! Going back to the one who knows…. Glad you are mending well, and me too. xo
Thanks for dropping in Boozilla, the rather big blow to the heart sounds a bit traumatic… good to know you are coping well, I am fine. Returning to the one who knows…
Thanks Ben, seems to me all of these things we write and say are so deeply part of something… it’s difficult to think of anything not included in this? Hmm that seemed to make sense. I am ok now
“I am ok now”
And may you ever be so.
I’m so sorry for all the suffering. Even if suffering sometimes ‘just’ is, and sometimes carries messages that we can make meaning out of, it is still suffering, and it is difficult to manage pain. This fall sounds breathtaking — literally. Having been in Chiang Mai the past summer, I have a feel for the sidewalk itself, the place, the impact, the energy compressed. Whoa.
Awareness and pain and healing and growth — all intertwined and all too real and yet sometimes so intangible we only know them in the moment, sometimes in a louder volume than we’d like or think we can manage, but then they shift and what was becomes a memory already shaped by the passage of time and the awareness we have of what took place and how we’d managed and survived and lived and breathed it.
Sending much healing and tender thought, and I hope that you continue to heal and that the pain shifts into the faint memory of something quite completely passed.
Thanks Na’ama and sorry it’s take so long to get around to this. Thanks for your comment, ‘time is the healer’ is what comes to mind. It is quite amazing how the waves wash away the sand castle in two or three cycles and nothing remains. What’s important and what is not, the relevant stuff is remembered.
Thanks for thinking of me and your kind thoughts
Indeed, what seems permanent and what is temporary may not be what we think they are … It helps to remember that cycles cycle… and things change. I hope for the better, or for the better soon.
Karuna. How we wish for your suffering to cease! Take care. -Maureen
We have Metta but it needs that push from Karuna to send it out. There are times when everything stops and I’m learning how to allow, how to facilitate that. All of it is a learning process.
Such trauma to the whole of your being. May you continue to heal and find your way T. Sending a gentle hug. xoxo
Getting better every day, thanks Val
Sending you much love… and holding your highest potential high… as your awareness watches as your humanness breaks open to allow a new rebirth to take place… no suffering, no judgement only only amazement as we watch humanity evolve like never before❤️ Barbara x
Thanks Barbara for your kind thoughts and words of inspiration, evolving into newer forms carrying the wisdom of what went before.